Growing into yourself is a constant process because you learn new aspects of yourself every year or few years. One of the steps I never hear our self-help guides or life coaches mention about this journey–is looking back at the part of you locked away. Some of those parts need to be engaged again for who you are becoming in the present.

Over time I realized what may not have worked for me at the ages of 25 and 26. They may be helpful again at 32. Death to self is not always a good thing. There will come a time when you have to reattach to past emotions, thought processes, and experiences to interpret and navigate your current logically.

Throughout the pandemic, “Stages” by Jade Novah was my go-to album. During this once-in-a-lifetime experience of unsureness, angst, anxiety, and raw emotion–the album and the song “Stages” mainly kept me. Over the last few weeks, my life commitments have changed. How I define myself and show up socially, professionally, and in my family has changed. And not for me or my selfish desires. More so for a purpose. I’m ok with that too.

The challenge (which isn’t a challenge because I know what I have to do) is disconnecting from people, places, and things. I have started a work that will continue progressing socially and intimately for my spirit being, ministry, and wholeness. More so, in alignment with the things that are manifesting and seeds in the ground waiting to flourish because they are God’s promises for me.

I want to use the lyrics of the song “Stages” by Jade Novah to tell a story. A story for release. A story for healing. A tale for acceptance. A report reminding me of who I am, where I’ve come from, and where I am going. One of symbolic of emotion yielding to the flesh and allowing the spirit to reign.

The song starts off powerfully yet so emotionally thought-provoking in saying:

“When you look back on everything
Will it all be worth it
We gone see
Keep on living
You gone feel it
Keep on running
One day you gone stop”

Reflecting, there are actions we see are worth it. As I am living, my reflections are evolving. A lot of reimagining my narratives to align with the growth taking place. The keep on running text in the song showcases life. Fate and destiny have always caught up with me. Things I didn’t accept earlier on hit me in the face like a rock later. Ascendency I denied or avoided happened anyway. All running did was prolong the inevitable and cause weariness.

“Some things are hard to let go of
Somethings you know when you know
Had a lot still I want more
What you do what stand for
Gotta prove tell me what for”

Things weren’t hard to let go. That’s easy. What I find myself and others discounting is detaching spiritually and emotionally. Consider walking away from situationships, relationships, entanglements, and soul ties… Yeah. Over it. Whatever. And all the actions that ensue, no physical presence or day-to-day nuances. But that space in your mind and heart are simple reflections of the remnants of spiritual yearning or the aftermath of disconnection that you often don’t speak to or suppress. The challenge is making sure that wanting more is not wanting that or a replacement. Addiction. Needing that thrill or fix in another form. There is no need to prove or tell it when you bear it by living in it (or denial).

“I done let some people down
Didn’t fight back
Made some choices that were good
And some I want back
Went through shit only to end up running right back
I got issues but we all got issues like that”

Letting people down happens, but is it a euphemistic denial for letting self-down? Not fighting back for me was yielding because I wasn’t at my best to fight. Thought I could’ve won a fight. Is it important to be dead right literally and figuratively? I put myself first, and often that can seem selfish. But its not. Wanting choices back is a thing. But accepting choices made and moving on is a part of the evolution. And I received that. But I am going through shit and running right back. Let’s not read my twenties with those lyrics. I’ve already done that! Realizing I got issues is a thing. We may all have issues, but “we issues” aren’t my issues. That’s a gem that helped me stay stress-free!

“I been a lover
I been a mother
I been a lot and that’s ok
I been a girl
And now I’m a woman
I been abused and I been free
I Been in love
And I been let down and
I done been lost and I been saved
Yeah
I done been lost and I been saved”

Being everything to everyone is nothing but being available to be used and abused. A wise soul once told me, “You’re broke, busted, and disgusted. Out here still trying to give, and no one is pouring back into you.” And that wake-up call pushed me like never. While those words marked a triggering liberation, I freed myself. I’ve been in love. But love dies. People die. Love can be blind. One-sided. It can misconstrued or even fetishized. Building and navigating love without proper examples, the liberation of self-first, or yielding to ego or another’s ego isn’t a style of love. It’s the letdown. It was my experience.  

“I been running trying get through these stages
Been through hell and been so high like I’m faded
I had food stamps in my Louis Vuitton
Felt like a star but couldn’t keep the lights on”

The chorus of the song is a gem. I related because it isn’t the physical connotations of designer material, social status, or paying bills … It’s the vulnerability of running, going through stages and cycles of ups and downs, and having to keep going. I ask myself, is this self-inflicted by thought or actions? Is it a choice? Or is this what you attract?

Stages taught me to give myself grace. Work and walk through it, but don’t stay. Make those hard choices and provide those kisses for an oxymoronic goodbye. Another wise soul coached me on caring about who you marry or get in bed with intimately and socially–not specifically regarding acts, but with your being, network, and networth. The journey through stages requires walking (grace), running (resilience), sleep (dying to ego), and standing still (acceptance).

I reckon this has been my Ted Talks. Bye for now y’all.